The Eight Candidates You Should Be Extremely Worried About or Think Outside The Beltway

As millions of people (myself included, at the time of this writing) watch the CNN Tea Party GOP Debate, we can only wonder as November 2, 2012 looms closer, which one of these people at the lectern will be the Republican candidate for the Presidency.  I have an answer for you all.

NONE OF THEM.

If any of these so-called Republicans whose names get more recognition than John Lennon's famous Jesus comment are selected as worthy of the mantle of President of the United States, we are all in for a reality check.  It's as if all the major news agencies (if you can call them that anymore) are simply name-dropping to ensure that when (not if, WHEN) Obama is voted out as a lame duck, the nation's executive branch will be occupied with more of the same.  Let's take a look at the field, with my opinions attached, after the break, shall we?
(Author's note: the pictures are provided without names; it's like Pictionary.  If you don't already know who they are, or can't be bothered to read the blurbs, the internets might be able to help you.)

Ah yes, the loud-talkin', bold and brash Texan who's got the solution to make gummint "as inconsequential to you as possible."  Kinda hard to do when you spent your entire term as Gobierno de Tejas EXPANDING it.  Sure, you can lay claim to the fact your state created the largest number of jobs in the nation, but guess what?  They were all gummint jobs.  There's a reason you and George Bush hate each other: you stole his political playbook and you're running it step by step.

The original founder of the Congressional Tea Party Caucus and, as labeled by CNN, the "Firebrand", you, Madam Representative, have been a success with Christians for your deep religious views and policies focused around same, re. gay marriage and abortion.  You've also been stumbling over yourself lately.  Case in point: John Wayne the actor coming from Waterloo, Iowa when it was actually John Wayne the serial killer?  That Americans have to be worried about the Soviet Union, and not the Russian Federation?  I'm sorry, are we in 1986 again?  You had a good start, but you're starting to trip over your own feet.

Our old friend, also from Texas, is back for his encore performance as the only Libertarian contender for the title, and his policies are still as (radical/far-out/awesome/redonkulous/badly needed/utterly batshit insane/add your own adjective here) as ever before!  To be perfectly honest here, you have some good ideas regarding gun rights and drugs, but it's far too late to go back to the gold standard, and we can't possibly risk becoming isolationist in today's geopolitical climate.  You can legalize weed and repeal the 1968 Gun Control Act, but honestly, please stop acting like a stereotypical Libertarian might with all the other far-out ideas that, let's be honest, will NEVER come to fruition.

The former Governor of Massachusetts, like our Texas Rep. up there, is back again for try number two at the Presidency!  Bob Beckel, former campaign manager for Jimmeh Cah-tuh calls you "the Brylcreem guy", but what do you expect from a big, boisterous liberal?  He's just jealous that you do, indeed, have great (albeit a little helped-with) hair, not to mention you're funding your campaign with your own money, so you do pretty well.  You love to say how terrible Obamacare is, right?  I have one word for you: Romneycare.  WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?!  That is one VERY BIG black mark next to your name, sir.  I'm not one to suffer hypocrites lightly.

You were our ambassador to China (a country to watch, gentle readers, trust me on this one), and former Governor of the great State of Utah.  Your Mormon upbringing has gotten you some bad press among Christians.  You had all the makings of being a great candidate.  But what happened?  Your campaign just kinda petered out.  Not to mention, your lackluster performances at these last few debates has made you the laughingstock of pundits all over the place.  You aren't your father, and for that, I am disappoint.

The Godfather!  Deep Dish himself!  You have one HELL of a following for your "I've never been a politician" platform, and you've taken so much heat from other blacks for being a Republican who believes in small government and less convoluted taxes.  Everyone loves you!  But why can't you just keep quiet whenever you get asked a question on a topic you don't know?  Need I remind you what happened on Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace a few months ago?  A little thing about Palestine?  It's depressingly apparent that you're trying to be all things to all people, but you're not.  Your 9-9-9 plan sounds good at first blush, but when people start doing their own homework, things won't be looking good for you.  At least you didn't earn my ire for firing a delivery man because he defended himself with a CCW.  Yes, I'm talking to you, "Papa" John Schnatter.

For a while there, you used to be 3rd in line to be President should something happen to the sitting Prez and Veep.  Is that why you jumped into this race?  Are you tired of being referred to as Former Speaker of the House?  You've been strong in your debate performances as of late, but come on.  Virtually all of your campaign staff has jumped ship.  It's running on fumes.  And you still think you have a horse in this race?

Last, but not least, our candidate from the Senate.  Your campaign hasn't really done much to make headlines, has it?  Besides appearing on Glenn Beck, your performance has been less than stellar, and the debates have shown that.  Not to mention, you're in the same vein as Tipper Gore with wanting to censor music, video games, and the internet, which completely flies in the face of the 1st Amendment and net neutrality.  And also you bear a resemblance to an ex-friend of mine.

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If you're reading this post and thinking, wow, this guy's a cranky old Republican or he's going to vote for Obama, hold your horses.  This is simply an opinion piece written by yours truly to express my utter contempt of the news outlets to flat-out ignore the various other candidates in the race.  Just because a poll of 1,000 individuals who happen to pick up their phones at the time show that one name-brand candidate is doing better than anyone else is not an all-seeing, all-knowing consensus of the political landscape.

If the election were today, at this very minute, I would cast my vote for Rep. Thaddeus McCotter of Michigan.  He is currently sitting somewhere in the zero to one percent bracket in the polls, but he has honest, reliable, and feasible ideas for getting America back to stable footing.  McCotter doesn't pander to audiences with sound bites or over-hyped talking points.  Instead, he goes straight to the point and delivers concise, intelligent answers that make you think.  He doesn't try to be all things to all people, and keeps his head on his shoulders when confronted with superfluous questions.  Not to mention, he plays a mean guitar and has plenty of charisma as a Gen-X politician that should be getting him far more exposure than a single-digit poll number in a news story.

Please, gentle readers, do your own homework.  Don't let the newspapers or the television or the magazines or the gossip tell you how to vote or who to vote for.  Do your own research and make your own, informed decision.  Out.