This post is dedicated to the memory of George Carlin, one of the greatest comedians who ever lived. The following material is his, and can be found in his book Napalm and Silly Putty. It is a favorite of mine, and I would like to share it with all of you.
Not every human ailment has a telethon to help raise money. This space is donated to the Miscellaneous Ailments Foundation. If you or a loved one suffer from any of the following conditions, open your heart, dig deep, and give what you can. And please, no small donations. Try to give more than you can afford.
ITCH • TWITCH • WELTS • WARTS • PIMPLES • NITS • SCABS • SCARS • SORES • BOILS • RASH • GASH • HIVES • CYSTS • CRAMPS • POLYPS • BLISTERS • BLOTCHES • BUNIONS • BEDSORES • ROPE BURNS • PAPER CUTS • COCKEYE • BLACKHEADS • WHITEHEADS • GAG EASILY • SWOLLEN GLANDS • EYESTRAIN • NAUSEA • PILES • GAS • CRABS • PEG LEG • ABSCESSED TOOTH • PENICILLIN REACTION • PALENESS • NICKS & CUTS • BRITTLE NAILS • WOOZINESS • HOMESICKNESS • FALL DOWN A LOT • SICK & TIRED • JUST DON'T FEEL GOOD • CHILLS & FEVER • FEVER & CHILLS • CHILLS WITHOUT FEVER • FEVER WITHOUT CHILLS • SMALL POX • MEDIUM POX • LARGE POX • X-LARGE POX • CHICKEN POX • TUNA POX • ROAST BEEF POX • WHOOPING COUGH • WHOOPING SNEEZE • WHOOPING GIGGLE • WHEEZING • SNEEZING • FREEZING • MUMPS • BUMPS • LUMPS • BAD EYES • BAD FEET • BAD BLOOD • BAD BREATH • BAD BACK • BAD ATTITUDE • POOR POSTURE • COWARDICE • TRENCH MOUTH • PUFFY SKIN • COMPLETE PARALYSIS • ENLARGED PORES • OUT OF BREATH • ARM HURTS • BAD JUDGMENT • DUMB LOOK • OUT OF SORTS • BRUISE EASILY • WIND KNOCKED OUT OF YOU • SEEIN' THINGS • THE BLAHS • THE HOTS • THE RUNS • THE CREEPS • THE WILLIES • THE SHITS • THE VAPORS • THE BENDS • THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES • SHOCK • TREMOR • RELAPSE
BOTULISM • LEPROSY • GANGOSA • CANCER OF THE FIST • JUNGLE ROT • THE CREEPIN' CRUD • THE 48-YEAR CREEPIN' JESUS • MANGE • GRUNGE • SORE TITS • JET LAG • ROOT CANAL • FACIAL TICS • POOR BALANCE • LOCKJAW • CHARLEY HORSE • EUPHORIA • PRICKLY HEAT • PEELING • MISCARRIAGE • CROW'S FEET • CROW'S LEGS • SLOPPY DICTION • OVERBITE • UNDERBITE • SIDE EFFECTS • DOUBLE LIMP • SCABBY KNEE • TONE DEAFNESS • LOUD HEART • POSTNASAL DRIP • PRENASAL DRIP • JAMMED THUMB • COMA • KNOCK KNEES • STRETCH MARKS • FAT LIP • BLACK EYE • BUM LEG • OVERSIZE BIRTHMARK • STRAWBERRY • SPRING FEVER • FORGETFULNESS • SQUINTING • SURGICAL BLUNDER • FACIAL HAIR • PLAGUE • ADHESIONS • SUNSTROKE • BAD GENES • SCRAWNINESS • CROSSED NOSTRILS • CALLUSES • PREMATURE EJACULATION • STARVATION • SEEING STARS • NERVOUS BREAKDOWN • CORNS • ORGAN REJECTION • SWELLING • BLOODY NOSE • CATATONIA • BAGS UNDER THE EYES • FRECKLE LOSS • NO URINE • BIG EARS • BAD COLD • FREDDIE'S DISEASE • NO TORSO • SUICIDE • HEN TOOTH • NATURAL CAUSES • CHRONIC PUSSY FARTS • ONDINE'S CURSE • PULLED GROIN MUSCLE • CHAFING • COLD SORES • SPLIT LIP • ACHES & PAINS • TRICK KNEE • TRICK NOSE • TRICK DICK • SLEEPING SICKNESS • LOBOTOMY • NIGHTMARES • PIGEON TOES • DOUBLE CHIN • SHYNESS • WINDBURN • CHRONIC LETHARGY • HOT FLASHES • DOUBLE VISION • CANCER OF THE JOWLS • CLUB FOOT • EXCESSIVE EAR WAX • SUFFOCATION • REALLY GROSS SKIN • FALLING NOSE HAIRS • INFECTED TATTOOS • GUNSHOT WOUNDS • ELASTIC POISONING • UNPROVOKED WEEPING • DISLOCATED CROTCH • COMPLETE HAIRLESSNESS • NINE MILE FEVER • MIGRATING BEAUTY MARK • UNDESCENDED TESTICLE • CHICKEN BREASTEDNESS • BOTCHED CIRCUMCISION • GHOST LIMBS • INDUSTRIAL DEAFNESS • HAMMER TOE • DOUBLE RECTUM • FALLEN WOMB • INVERTED NIPPLES • OUT-OF-CONTROL MOLES • TRANSIENT SLURRED SPEECH • WATER ON THE PROFILE • SALINE DEPLETION • GENDER AGONY • NEGATIVE BUOYANCY • CURVATURE OF THE MIND • INFECTED DIMPLE • BURNED AT THE STAKE • BUBONIC PLAGUE • BLACK DEATH • MORNING SICKNESS • SUBDURAL HEMATOMA • GRAND MAL SEIZURE • SPASTIC BLADDER • BRAIN TUMOR • NIPPLE SEEP • DRY TEETH • SIX-FOOT NOSE HAIRS • PASSED BALLS • MIDNASAL DRIP • CHAPPED ASS • SPEAR WOUNDS • TONSILLITIS • CLAP • CRUCIFIXION • TOTAL BODY DIMPLING • FEAR OF CLOTHING • SINGLE NOSTRIL • HORSE SERUM SENSITIVITY • COKE BOTTLE IN THE ASS • HEN WORKERS LUNG • SEXTUPLE AMPUTEEISM • HEREDITY FRUCTOSE INTOLERANCE • MORTON'S FOOT • HUTCHINSON'S FRECKLE • ORIENTAL NIGHTMARE DEATH SYNDROME • RUM FITS • LIDOCAINE POISONING • IRREGULAR GAIT • GENITAL MEASLES • SPRAINED MIND • ICHTHYOSIS • LACK OF HUSTLE • HYPERDYDROSIS • FROTHING AT THE CROTCH • ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE • WET BRAIN • PRESENILITY DEMENTIA • LAETRILE OVERDOSE • MUNCHAUSEN'S SYNDROME • PAVEMENT BURN • NASAL HERPES • CLUSTER HEADACHES • HUNCHBACK • VAGINAL CLOSURE • CANCER OF THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE • CIRCUMCISION BLUNDER • SEVERE UNREMITTING PAIN • COMPLETE NERVOUS COLLAPSE • SIXTY-YEAR COMA • RIGOR MORTIS • DECAPITATION • SWIMMER'S ITCH • BEEF TAPEWORM • SHORT-LIMBED DWARFISM • TICK-BORNE RICKETS • KOPLIK'S SPOTS • IMPETIGO • GAS GANGRENE • TRANSVERSE MYELITIS • MALNUTRITION • IRRITABILITY • NONPRODUCTIVE COUGH • SIMPLE MALAISE • EPIDEMIC KERATOCONJUNCTIVITIS • FURIOUS RABIES • BLACK VOMIT • DANDY FEVER • EUROPEAN TYPHUS • BRILL-ZINSSER DISEASE • CAT SCRATCH DISEASE • STITCH ABSCESSES • STRAWBERRY TONGUE • PASTIA'S LINES • AFRICAN SLEEPING SICKNESS • WOOL-SORTER'S DISEASE • CAULIFLOWER EAR • ZUCCHINI NOSE • PARACOCCIDIO IDOMYCOSIS • DESERT RHEUMATISM • LUMPY JAW • MADURA FOOT • HOOKWORM • ORIENTAL SORE • ALEPPO BOIL • FOREST YAWS • SWIMMING POOL GRANULOMA • CARDIAC DEATH • WHIPWORM INFECTION • GEOPHAGIA • RIVER BLINDNESS • TOTAL COLLAPSE • JEWELRY RASH • TERMINAL BROWSING • MAIDENLY HYSTERICS • MARROW FAILURE • PICA • RIBOFLAVIN DEFICIENCY • MEDITERRANEAN ANEMIA • AIR EMBOLISM • VASCULAR FRAGILITY • DRUG-INDUCED PLATELET DEFECTS • FELTY'S SYNDROME • BOWEL INFARCTION • TETRALOGY OF FALLOT • BUNDLE BRANCH BLOCK • SUDDEN MEGACOLON • RAYNAUD'S PHENOMENON • YOUNG ORIENTAL FEMALE DISEASE • INTESTINAL APOPLEXY • OCCLUSION AT THE BIFURCATION • MILK LEG • HOMAN'S SIGN • CONSTANT SCREAMING • TOTAL BODY HEMORRHAGING • MISSING LUNGS • EXTRA STOMACH • LARVAE IN THE STOOL • BEBOP LEGS • FOREHEAD TRANSPLANT • TUMOR ON THE BUNS • HUGE SPLEEN • CHRONIC FALLING • CYSTS ON THE WRISTS • SUDDEN TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS.
Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.
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